“I knew she wasn’t 120 pounds, which wasn’t my type.”

WWhen Elisabeth, a 34-year-old lawyer
, first signed up for OkCupid back in May 2014, she didn’t have high hopes. Online dating can be hard for anyone. And for fat women, it’s often downright unforgiving. But when one of her law school friends — who was starting to date again after a divorce — asked three of her former bridesmaids, including Elisabeth, to sign up in solidarity, she figured she would create “the single most obnoxious version” of herself for her profile. She had tried online dating off and on for years, carefully curating the most polished version of herself — to no avail. So, her “obnoxious version” of a profile prominently featured photos of her with her cat. She was upfront about her flaws and sticking points. She was also unapologetic about the fact that she’s fat. She wears between an XL and a 2XL in dresses and between a size 16 and 20 in pants. “When you’re a fat woman online dating, there’s this mind trap you have to fall into with photos — because if you take a photo with a good angle and good lighting and with the right makeup and clothing, you can shave off a pretty good amount of weight,” she told me in an interview in December. “But you don’t get all of those factors when you sit down at the first date and meet them in person.” (Throughout this story, last names are withheld for privacy reasons).

Though Elizabeth took a laissez-faire approach to romance and relationships while in school, as she got older, she began to wonder if she was emotionally “making the excuse not to date and not have to take a look at how I was being perceived by people I was interested in.” Stepping out of that mindset meant approaching prospective dates with candor — while also protecting herself emotionally. “When you really say, ‘Yes, I’m fat,’ when you meet me, ‘you’re going to see a fat person’ — that cuts out a whole swath of people,” she explained.

Fortunately, Chris, 39, an administrative assistant, wasn’t one of those people. When he came upon Elisabeth’s profile, he was taken with her photos: “My thought was, Oh, what a cute kitty. And then I thought, Oh, she’s cute, too,” he told me. “She had a great smile and fantastic blue eyes.” The two of them quickly bonded over cats and Stephen King books and they shared a similar sense of humor.

And for fat women, it’s often downright unforgiving. But when one of her law school friends — who was starting to date again after a divorce — asked three of her former bridesmaids, including Elisabeth, to sign up in solidarity, she figured she would create “the single most obnoxious version” of herself for her profile. She had tried online dating off and on for years, carefully curating the most polished version of herself — to no avail. So, her “obnoxious version” of a profile prominently featured photos of her with her cat. She was upfront about her flaws and sticking points. She was also unapologetic about the fact that she’s fat. She wears between an XL and a 2XL in dresses and between a size 16 and 20 in pants. “When you’re a fat woman online dating, there’s this mind trap you have to fall into with photos — because if you take a photo with a good angle and good lighting and with the right makeup and clothing, you can shave off a pretty good amount of weight,” she told me in an interview in December. “But you don’t get all of those factors when you sit down at the first date and meet them in person.”