My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she actually said…

“Dad, this is my new boyfriend,

–

John came back from a safari in Africa.

Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures:

“I was out in the jungle.” He said.

“When all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me.

Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me.

The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind.

When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away and made towards it.

As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time.

With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”

“That’s some story there, John, I would have shat my pants.”

“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON?”